Size Matters

Donald T. Rump: My inauguration was the biggest thing ever, period.

Vows to Make Border Fence Dense Pence: This isn't the old days where you can just say stuff and people will believe it.

The Cons Way: We hold these alternative facts to be self-evident. And anyway, I don't think ultimately presidents are judged by crowd sizes at their inauguration. I think they're judged by their--

Kollektivet: Size Matters

Donald T. Rump:  The world is laughing at us. We can't let this happen. Hmmm. I know. I'll declare my inauguration day the National Day of Patriotic Devotion.

Vows to Make Border Fence Dense Pence: This isn't the old days where you can just say stuff and people will believe it.

Donald T. Rump: Furthermore, in addition to winning the Electoral College in a landslide, I won the popular vote if you deduct all the people who voted illegally. Life's not fair!

Republican Party: (Rolling eyes.) Would you like some cheese with that whine?

Ivanka: My father represents a very interesting challenge to the Republican Party.

Donald T. Rump. Because I am the only one who can make America truly great again! That's why I grabbed Lady Liberty by the pussy and I was relentless, even in the face of total lack of encouragement.

Vows to Make Border Fence Dense Pence: I support that.

The Cons Way: Donald Trump just has always elevated women to the highest echelons.