 Before I begin, I just want to say that I'm taking a slightly different approach to critique. I'll start each with a discussion on . THE DEVIL AND MYRON RABINOWITZ by Ken Goldman A little about format. Okay, a lot. (You can open the picture in a larger window when you click on it.) The green marks: Word count could be moved to the right hand corner where an editor easily see this information. Ken could also put the reprint info over here, where it's easy to see.. I'd delete the Copyright information. It's always assumed to be that of the author unless otherwise stated. Usually, writers put copyright on their manuscripts not because they're afraid somebody will steal their story. Sometimes that's not the case, but it doesn't matter. The writer has indicated that he or she is afraid the editor will steal their work and that's paramount to calling them a thief. Here's one of many links discussing this. Now, Ken has won contests with this story before so there is information an editor might want to know such as the publication(s) it appeared and the date(s). This information is best handled in the cover letter. Title and by line should be centered. This format won't bother most editors, especially if they haven't linked a page about standard manuscript format. But if they have and the link shows a centered title but you do right justify, you could be saying, "I don't take direction well."
You can set extra space before and after the start of a new paragraph. When you hit a hard return word will insert 6 points, 12 points 72, whatever floats your boat.This might not seem important, but the editor has a little extra work because the title has been formatted and the body text has not. It's also really hard to read. With digital files it's easy for an editor double space a file. I'll add the caveat that a writer should never count on any slush pile reader to do this.  Watch what happens when I double space. I hit ctrl A to select all to highlight the entire document and click double space under paragraph. The author's info would be deleted for publication (Notice the editorial staff can't just copy, the address. They have to remove the other information first.) it's often copied for records, but to fix the title page the editor has to delete the extra hard returns and remove that extra spacing as well.
 Critique:
Here stood Myron Rabinowitz at the gateway to Hell wearing an old flannel shirt Edna had purchased at Wal-Mart, and he had not even had his morning gargle-and-spit. The last thing he remembered was stepping out for half a dozen poppy seed bagels and a quarter pound of lox at Rosenblatt’s Deli, the one advertised on the Kosher Cable Network as “A Taste of Tel-Aviv in Your Mouth.” But he had not arrived at the Deli, unless Abe Rosenblatt had changed the store's sign to, read “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.” Not that it abandoning hope was such a bad idea for anyone who had tried Abe’s whitefish. It seemed that only moments earlier Rabinowitz had left Edna while she was still sleeping as she always did Sunday mornings, looking like a beached whale that had spent the night swimming in an ocean of Pond’s facial cream. One of his most recurring nightmares had been that the time would come when Edna would again insist that she be the one on top. For the past twenty years Myron Rabinowitz had lived in fear of that day and kept an overnight bag containing his Med-Alert just in case. I would suggest deleting the first sentence because it preforms the function of preparing readers for the next sentence. In this case we have a pre-hook, followed by a hook, but pump primers can appear anywhere in a story. I try to be ruthless with them when I edit my own work. They are unnecessary telling that softens the punch of whatever follows. The only appropriate place for these are times when a writer wishes to soften a blow. For example, if write about the death of any animal-- readers generally don't like it when children or pets die -- this can prepare the reader for that event. (Take special note of unnecessary. I'm a firm believer in show and tell.) The next changes pretty self-explanatory-- it's understood that the flannel shirt was purchased for him and poppy seed was misspelled. On to " wound up." (You probably don't care, but wound up is called a phrasal verb.) Sometimes you'll hear or read that you're supposed to eradicate verbs that are followed by a preposition. For the most part I agree, but that's not why I targeted this one. Wound up has several meanings: He wound up the clock. (He twisted the spring so the clock would keep time.) The children are wound up. The children are excited. We wound up at the park. They arrived at the park by accident. In certain situation it could also indicate where they finished their day. Let's look at another example: Mary shot up during her teen years. Did she get taller or do drugs? Changing certain verbal phrases will affect how quickly the sentence is understood and thus greatly impact the reader's experience in a positive way. However, sometimes there is no better way to say what you want to say. Slow down, please. Here, the verbal phrase is very clear and there is no equivalent. Sit down, please. Here, we could eliminate down without losing meaning. Yet, depending on the surrounding sentences and author's style, we may not want to delete it just because we can. However, in most cases writers should be ruthless with phrasal verbs as they tend to make a story seem dense and slow. Moving on... But he had not wound up at the Deli, unless Abe Rosenblatt had changed the sign in front of his store to read “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.” This construction answers both, what changed and which what changed. Confused? Of course you are. There's a lot of grammar jargon I could use to explain why this isn't just an issue of artistic license, but here's a simple rule of thumb. Whenever you can rewrite a preposition that answers which thing (in this case which sign) with a possessive noun or pronoun, readers will easily understand the entire sentence. But he had not arrived at the Deli, unless Abe Rosenblatt had changed the store's sign to read, “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.” To me, while there are plenty of little adjustments that could make this story easier on the reader, there's a larger, unresolved issue with pace and story arch. Let's look at the first sentence of the second paragraph. It seemed that only moments earlier Rabinowitz had left Edna while she was still sleeping as she always did Sunday mornings, looking like a beached whale that had spent the night swimming in an ocean of Pond’s facial cream. On the sentence level this is a beautiful sentence. This story is chock full of stuff like this. But when we pull back and look at the larger picture, the story gets stuck in first gear. While the first paragraph promises an interesting, active pace, the second paragraph doesn't deliver. Let me illustrate: Here stood Myron Rabinowitz at the gateway to Hell wearing an old flannel shirt Edna had purchased at Wal-Mart, and he had not even had his morning gargle-and-spit. The last thing he remembered was stepping out for half a dozen poppy seed bagels and a quarter pound of lox at Rosenblatt’s Deli, the one advertised on the Kosher Cable Network as “A Taste of Tel-Aviv in Your Mouth.” Here stood Myron Rabinowitz at the gateway to Hell wearing an old flannel shirt Edna had purchased at Wal-Mart, and he had not even had his morning gargle-and-spit. It seemed that only moments earlier Rabinowitz had left Edna while she was still sleeping as she always did Sunday mornings, looking like a beached whale that had spent the night swimming in an ocean of Pond’s facial cream. Both paragraphs fit behind the hook. Both paragraphs are equally well written. They both are also back story that encompass a similar pint in time. Keeping them both creates a first page that treads on the accelerator and the break. Now, this story has it's flaws but it's won some contests and been reprinted as recently as 2002. It's funny and cute, and I enjoyed it. Nothing you write will ever be perfect and it doesn't need to be. It just needs to resonate with the person reading it. But an editor will can't say "yes" if they never see the story. In other words, don't be afraid to put yourself out there. Ken, thank you for participating in the story critique. M.R. Comments are closed.
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