Scene 1: A random morning before work.
Me, Myself and I: Good morning computer. I need some upbeat music to wake up.
Big Bertha: (Ten seconds later) "Okay."
Windows 8: "My designers know what's best for you. We have determined you need to sign into you account before you can access Big Bertha."
Me, Myself and I: (After typing in my password five or six times, but no more awake than I was five minutes ago.) "*&%%&^&!"
Windows 8: "Ha, ha, ha , ha, you can't get into your own computer."
Me, Myself and I: "Sorry Big Bertha. Good morning Sexy Computer!"
Sexy Computer: (Twelve seconds later) "Good Morning!"
Windows XP: "How can I be of service?"
Me Myself and I: " Go to YouTube and play The One Eyed on Horned Flying Purple People Eater. "
Sexy Computer and Windows XP: "That's an odd choice at your age, but we're here to serve."
Music plays and the day gets started.
Scene 2: A random evening just before bed
Me Myself and I: "Good night Big Bertha... Windows 8 please make your %$^&! "charms" menu appear, so I can shut her down."
Windows 8: "Big Bertha only does what I tell her to. Further more you have her attached to an external monitor, and because I'm me, I sometimes show you my charms menu over there or over here, and mostly not at all."
Me, Myself and I: "You sure are hard to get along with. "
Windows 8: "Yup."
Me, Myself and I: "Just turn off Big Bertha, okay. "
Windows 8: "I don't feel like it now, but I'll be happy to show the menu when you're trying to do something else."
Me, Myself and I: (Falling to my knees, reaching to the sky) "Microsoft !!!!!!"
**Ancient is a technical term used to describe a computer that is older than two years, but less than four years of age (at which point the technical term Older Than Dirt applies.)