What is the strongest aspect of this excerpt?
Wow! This is the kind of sci-fi I like, when I tell people I do like some sci-fi! Great story about people, and the future. Nice writing, overall, I enjoyed the banter and conversation, and enjoyed the narrators voice. I feel like this is an author who knows what he is writing, all the scenes felt so authentic.
What aspect needs the most work?
There was a need in many passages for more punctuation, mostly commas. And there were a few places where simple editing was needed. For instance: "...Smiling and saying our names, the waitress sets the waitress plucks our meals..." and "...She servers Inwa his salmon first and then wiggles her butt as she moves around the table breasts first..." (here spelling rror and a comma would have been good).
There were a few spots like this throughout the excerpt where the writing was still a work in progress. These are problems that are very easily remedied. Just more careful proofreading.
M.R. Jordan is a writer, editor, sporadic blogger, and lover of beer. Lives in South Korea with her two cats, Bear and Geumbi.
Bear (Gom in Korean) then (above) now (below)
Geumbi (Gold in English)... then (above) and now (below).